Tucker Carlson to compete on Dancing with the Stars

MSNBC's Tucker Carlson swaps anchor chair for dancing shoes

Ginger Rogers. Fred Astaire. Jennifer Lopez. Madonna. See the connection? They're all dancers and pretty fine ones at that.

Now imagine adding Tucker Carlson and Jerry Springer to that list. Yeah, I know, it jams the brain.

There used to be a time when dancing was graceful, inspiring, sexy... Now any cloven-hoofed clod can stomp around and call it moving art.

Today I learned that MSNBC news anchor, Tucker Carlson, is among the celebrities who'll kick up their heels (and assume all manner of awkward poses) for ABC's next installment of Dancing with the Stars (premieres September 12).

The contestants include names I've never heard of, like Monique Coleman (who??); actress/model (aren't they all?) Shanna Moakler; Sara Evans, a country singer; singer Willa Ford; and some people who are B-List stars like actress Vivica A. Fox; Harry Hamlin (who was cute in the 1980s); Joe Lawrence (insert your own joke about this one-time teen heartthrob); and Mario Lopez (whose career spiked on Saved by the Bell); NFL Super Bowl champion Emmet Smith (yeah, he'll be REALLY light on his feet); and my favourite, the entertainment world's equivalent of the Bubonic plague, Jerry Springer.

There's just so much to say I don't even know where to begin. So, I'll start alphabetically like they do in school.

Tucker Carlson. Maybe he took ballroom and quickstep dance lessons as a kid so his classmates wouldn't smash his glasses before beating the crap out of him at recess. I don't know. But I do know that I have no desire to watch the bow-tied news personality getting his groove on. Blech!

Oh, I've just been informed that he stopped wearing bow-ties earlier this year. So, I have to come up with some other concrete reasons to explain why I'm turned off by the thought of him doing the jig.

First, there's the silver-spoon factor: his father, Richard W. Carlson, was president and CEO of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting from 1992 to 1997 and a former U.S. Ambassador to the Seychelles. His stepmother is Patricia Carlson, heiress to the Swanson frozen-food fortune.

Second and most importantly, Carlson's critical of Canada and has been quoted as saying, "Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York. Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada."

Actually Carlson, that nicely sums up your personality. But hopefully for viewers, not your dancing skills.